Recovery on the outside doesn’t mean recovery on the inside
I saw how unhappy my mother was and seeing her cry because I did this to myself made me eat again and gain weight again, until I was at a healthy weight. I didn’t want to make my mother unhappy, so I did this for her. Although my weight increased and I became healthy on the outside again, my inside stayed a battlefield and my self-confidence stayed below zero. I kept up my weight for a few years, because I couldn’t go live by myself to study if I dropped below a certain weight so I developed an unhealthy lifestyle and made sure I didn’t lose any weight, because I didn’t want to make my mother unhappy again and I wanted to keep living by myself.
“But I’m just trying to be healthy”
Somehow, one day I thought: enough with all the junkfood and laziness, I’m going to start being healthy again because I didn’t like my body at all (never did, actually). It will not surprise you that starting to get healthy with an eating disordered mind is practically impossible and it soon blew up into a crazy obsession with healthy food and working out. It actually became worse in my head than the first time I had anorexia, my weight didn’t drop as low because now I was obsessed with eating healthy, not with eating less, but my mind became way more disturbed than the first time. I counted every single calorie that went into my mouth and if at the end of the day I even ate 1 calorie more or less than I had planned, I freaked out. It all had to be exactly right.
I spent hours and hours on counting how much I had to eat, going to the grocery store became a huge burden because I could walk around there for hours, comparing all the foods until I found that with the least calories. My evenings existed in planning exactly how much I was going to eat the following day, instead of having fun with friends or hanging on the couch. I had to work out 2 hours a day for 6 days a week, otherwise it wasn’t enough. Soon my parents saw me becoming a shadow of myself again. And they ringed the alarm and made me go to therapy again in February 2013… Stubborn as I was, I didn’t see the problem. I was just trying to be healthy after all…