The battle against anorexia nervosa

I received a beautiful email by beautiful Gudrun that immediately caught my eye. She asked me if she could share her story about her eating disorder on #FITGIRLCODE, hoping to help and inspire other women. I felt so honored and said yes immediately! So read her story and share this with women around you that might need to read this.

How my battle begun
13 years ago, a vibrant, happy, playful little girl of only 10 years old went missing and a shy, self-conscious, insecure girl took her place. That little girl was me. I was the biggest sweet tooth in the whole wide world and my parents could make me do anything just to get pancakes or icecream afterwards. Although I always was a slim girl, somehow the persistent thought developed inside my head that I was fat and ugly. I always was a real perfectionist and everything I did, I did it as good as I could, I was nice to everyone, I got good grades, I was good at sports.... But somehow, even that didn’t feel good enough. I didn’t feel good enough. It began really innocent, eating a little less sweets, eating a little less bread…

Anorexia took over
The perfectionist in me kept screaming “not enough, you’re still fat, ugly and worthless” and at the age of 15, that innocent diet of mine changed into a long journey of eating disorders. Anorexia took over my life. Every single minute of every single day, became a battle in my head against calories. Sleeping became difficult, because the counting never stopped. Going out with friends became impossible, because that felt too dangerous. Eating became a battle, instead of a joy. Food became my enemy. My weight dropped drastically to a dangerously low number and even though my parents felt like something was wrong, I was a real pro at making up stories about how much I ate, throwing away food on my way to school, hiding food in my room… And they believed me. But soon it came to my parents knowledge that I threw away all my food at school and the next day they took me to a doctor, that doctor sent me to a therapist and so on.

Recovery on the outside doesn’t mean recovery on the inside
I saw how unhappy my mother was and seeing her cry because I did this to myself made me eat again and gain weight again, until I was at a healthy weight. I didn’t want to make my mother unhappy, so I did this for her. Although my weight increased and I became healthy on the outside again, my inside stayed a battlefield and my self-confidence stayed below zero. I kept up my weight for a few years, because I couldn’t go live by myself to study if I dropped below a certain weight so I developed an unhealthy lifestyle and made sure I didn’t lose any weight, because I didn’t want to make my mother unhappy again and I wanted to keep living by myself.

[caption id="attachment_20014" align="alignleft" width="335"] This picture is from May 2013, A while after I started therapy. One month before my breaking point.[/caption]

“But I’m just trying to be healthy”
Somehow, one day I thought: enough with all the junkfood and laziness, I’m going to start being healthy again because I didn’t like my body at all (never did, actually). It will not surprise you that starting to get healthy with an eating disordered mind is practically impossible and it soon blew up into a crazy obsession with healthy food and working out. It actually became worse in my head than the first time I had anorexia, my weight didn’t drop as low because now I was obsessed with eating healthy, not with eating less, but my mind became way more disturbed than the first time. I counted every single calorie that went into my mouth and if at the end of the day I even ate 1 calorie more or less than I had planned, I freaked out. It all had to be exactly right.

I spent hours and hours on counting how much I had to eat, going to the grocery store became a huge burden because I could walk around there for hours, comparing all the foods until I found that with the least calories.  My evenings existed in planning exactly how much I was going to eat the following day, instead of having fun with friends or hanging on the couch. I had to work out 2 hours a day for 6 days a week, otherwise it wasn’t enough. Soon my parents saw me becoming a shadow of myself again. And they ringed the alarm and made me go to therapy again in February 2013… Stubborn as I was, I didn’t see the problem. I was just trying to be healthy after all…

Crawling back out of a deep dark hole, little by little
I kept being in denial for another 4 months until in June 2013 I completely broke down. I fell down in a deep dark hole and cried for almost 3 days straight, I didn’t want this life anymore, or well, I can’t call it a life, it was pure and utter hell. I wanted out, at first I didn’t think there was a way out and really dark thoughts developed inside my head. But somehow after those first 3 days, I found some strength deep inside myself and told myself that I would fight with everything I had, I would stand up against this eating disorder until it went away, because after 7 years I just had enough of it. I got myself together and started a long, hard battle. At first it was really hard, I had to get out of the comfort zone that my eating disorder had become for me, but I pushed myself every single day to challenge myself to do things I was afraid of.

[caption id="attachment_20012" align="alignright" width="480"] This picture is from march 2015, 26 lbs heavier and healthier than ever![/caption]

Light at the end of the tunnel
Little by little, battle after battle, I slowly started to rise above my eating disorder. I made some really hard decisions in my life, inspired by some drastic decisions my mother took (she quit her job and decided to go study bodystressrelease in south Africa, she followed her dreams, and so could I) and I started living by my own standards instead of living my life to please others. I got to know myself, I got to know what I really wanted in life and went for it. I quit my medicine studies after 4 years for example, to go for my dream and study psychology. I realized that this is MY life and it’s the only one I’ll ever get, I might as well live it in a way that makes me happy. Slowly, the vibrant little child that I once was 12 years ago, came back again. I was alive again.

Finally, I’m living again!
After 1,5 years of weekly therapy, I was officially considered recovered in September 2014. That day was a really important day for me. I did it, I won my battle against anorexia and I was determined to never let it come back again. I started to love life again and I’m happier than I’ve ever been. I feel stronger than ever, mentally and physically and I have a healthy relationship with food and exercise now. I try to be active and healthy because I love my body and I want to treat it right, instead of hating it. I am 26 pounds heavier than I was 2 years ago, back then I could start crying when I looked in a mirror because I thought I looked fat, now I can look into a mirror and be proud of what I see. I am beautiful, I am good enough, and so are you.

Thin line between healthy and obsession
Being healthy and fit is super duper awesome, and I can only encourage that, but realise that there are also other things in life that are important, realise that you’re allowed to treat yourself sometimes, to skip a workout sometimes, to have fun with friends, to get drunk sometimes… I often indulge in pizza, chocolate, ice-cream,… I sometimes skip a workout to go out with friends and that is perfectly fine! Life is so much more than just food and exercise, never forget that! Just like with everything, moderation and balance is key, there is a point at which healthy can become an obsession and too much is never good. Live a life that makes you happy, work for your goals, do what makes you happy and most importantly: love yourself every single step of the way.

Right now I am volunteering for ANBN, a Belgian foundation for eating disorders (www.anbn.be), and I want to use my experience in helping others fighting the same battle. I wanted to share my story to show you that even after years and years of struggling, it is still possible to get out if you fight. I promise you it is worth the fight. Get your life back, fight that bitch, you can do it! 

Please contact me on Instagram or on my blog if you have any questions.

Gudrun