#FitGirlConfession: Food Made Me Hate Myself
This week, we have been featuring a few #FitGirlConfession articles in light of the Eating Disorder Awareness Week and to spread the word to other girls that they are not alone. For the last confession, a close friend and sister at heart decided to share her story for the first time, let alone so publicly. Her name is Irene, and she is a foodie, yogi, and sports lover. At the age of 22, she is feeling proud and accomplished to have left behind some of the worst years of her life. Here is her story:
I love food. I love to eat. And I want to be slim. Sound familiar? Don’t worry, you are not alone. Many girls I know struggle with the balance between these desires and many believe that these preferences will never be compatible. I was convinced as well that I could never indulge in my favorite foods and remain slim. Fortunately, now I know that this is not true. Now I know that you can eat abundant if you choose the right foods and still face your worst enemy – your scale.
I used to be a severe victim of bulimia. It’s when you eat, usually much more than the average person would, and then purposely induce vomiting afterwards to prevent your body from ever actually digesting any of the intakes. Remembering the quantity of foods I would stuff into me is still shocking to me today.
"When I heard about bulimia I was euphoric..."
It all started when I was in my early stages of puberty and my body began to embrace feminine shapes. Despite never really having issues with my weight, I was aware of what was perceived as beautiful and what a so-called “bikini body” was. I always felt the pressure to look good, to be skinny. So when the signs of puberty became noticeable on my scale, I panicked. After many failed attempts at following a strict diet, I one day heard of bulimia. As bad as this might sound now; I was euphoric to know that there was a way to spoil myself with all the sweets and junk foods I cherish and still not put on any extra kilos.
I finally realized how wrong my behavior was
So eventually the kilos started to drop, but at the same time I could feel my constant exhaustion, how weak my body had become, how my moods fluctuated and the never-ending hunger. Nevertheless, I became obsessed. Weighing myself countless times a day and even tiny increases of 100g would stress me out. Sometimes I would even experience something close to a panic attack as a result. I would tell myself how fat I was, how ugly I was and how in order to become a better me, I needed to lose weight. From January until July my weight dropped from 52kg to 37kg, and that’s when my mother made an executive decision to put me into the hospital. After weeks connected to the drip, I finally realized how wrong my behavior was. I was ruining my own body and jeopardizing my health just to fit what society told me would be perceived as beautiful.
I have learned to control it
It was a long and arduous road to recover, but today I am so proud of myself when I look back at what I have overcome. I learned about proper nutrition, I understood what psychological issues I have and how to cope with them. I am not underweight anymore, I regularly do sports and I try to feed my body with healthy foods. Generally, I would say that I have overcome a major obstacle in my life. But even today, I still sometimes hear the little voice in my head telling me that I’m not skinny enough or good enough. Back then I would let this voice dominate and beat myself up until a point where I felt real disgust towards myself or even cry. Now I have learned to control it. Of course I still have days where I experience what I call a “down phase”, but the many loving, caring and supportive people around me have really helped me to feel better about myself. They support me whenever I have a bad day they help me find ways to better cope with this issue.
Give yourself a compliment a day
I am no specialist and I also cannot give you any life-changing advice, but what I can tell you from my experience is very simple: be good to yourself. Don’t think too much about what other people think and don’t let society pressure you to become someone you are not. In the end, you have to be happy with yourself. No amount of love from the people around you will make you happy if you do not embrace yourself in the first place. No one is perfect, so instead of hating on your love handles, look at them and tell yourself that these little curves are the things that distinguish you from a man. They don’t have something this cute! :P I am still working on myself, but I am trying to give myself one compliment a day and see myself in a more loving and positive light.
All in all: Love yourself. Cherish yourself. Enjoy Yourself.
- Irene
